What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 09:30
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Have you ever been humiliated in front of a group of girls and enjoyed it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was seconnd youngest,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
Is it true that most women like alpha males?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im still living with it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do narcissists keep calling on the phone after years of separation?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What did i know ?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
It was going to be , some day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it wasn’t much.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She wouldn,t have been !
Would this be the day?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was 9 years of age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
When she asked me how she looked .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I waited trembling.
So, i spoilt her more .